Feedback Is a Gift

"I have feedback for you..." I told one of my employees today. Her eyes opened wide, she quickly became nervous, she braced for the worst...

We are always interacting with people, and sometimes people's behaviors negatively impact us. Some behave in mean, heartless, arrogant, and condescending ways. Some lye, cheat, and manipulate. Some avoid decisions, responsibility, or personal hygiene. Others over criticize, over control, or over analyze. All of us reading this, of course, are perfect. It's others... The reality is that as much as others negatively impact us, we impact them as well. The important thing is to get the courage to talk about it, to express what we are feeling, and to do it early on. Otherwise, things accumulate, baggage develops, and we assume intent that never existed. Having these feedback conversations are never easy.

The best way to do this is to use the BICA method. Share with the other person what behavior is negatively impacting you or others. It's important to give feedback on a person's Behavior, and not on a person or a person's intention. Then describe the Impact such behavior has on you. How it makes you feel. Then share what could be a Consequence that could occur if such behavior continues. For example, losing trust, avoiding speaking up, avoiding getting together, etc. Finally, share what an Alternate behavior in a similar situation might look like.

I have used this technique many times. It allows us to express and give feedback, while protecting the dignity and respect of the other person. By its very nature it helps us avoid calling names and assuming intent. I did have the feedback with my employee. I gave specific examples of times when she exhibited the behavior I was talking about. She was frustrated about her lack of awareness, but walked out with her sense of dignity and something to improve on. This also helps us validate that we are all different, but all created in the image of God.

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Comments

good stuff Hector - but still hard to be on the receiving end.

Positive feedback is very important too, and sometimes I feel that we neglect that, and end up taking /being taken for granted.

I think if more (genuine)positive feedback were given - also using the BICA method, we would all be much more open to the corrective.

I love it though that you talk about dividing the person and the behaviour - something we should all remember to do.

[Valerie]

Great post - I enjoyed it immensely.

[patti]

I'm going to try that with my 2nd graders. But since I'm always intervening, my *I* has to include the impact on others as well as me. I'll let you know how it works.

[Marie Cecile]

What you wrote is wonderful Hector, all too often bosses belittle their employees in front of others. Glad your not one of them, but one that cares. God Bless You

[Steve Bogner]

Humility helps when accepting feedback! I actually like to get feedback because I am so horrible at perceiving others' opinions of me and my work. As a consultant, getting feedback on what I do and how I do it is how I improve; actually, that works for just about any occupation...

[Mary Poppins NOT (Renee)]

I am going to try this with my 12 year old son. He is requiring so much feedback it appears as if I am constantly picking on him. Thank for this tool, it is an answer to prayer.